Sometimes When We Touch
by Yoake Hajime
Summary: (It's not really an update. But please do take the time to read.) A confession...an outright rejection...a departure and a reunion. Hiei/Kurama. Shounen ai.
1. Default Chapter

SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH

** ** ** ** ** ** **SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH**

You asked me if I loved you And I choked on my reply 

_I'd rather hurt you honestly_

_Than mislead you with a lie_

_ _

_ _

_Hiei_

_ _

_Silence._

__

_Darkness._

_ _

_Faint whispers._

_ _

_A dim brightness._

_ _

I feel a dampness on my forehead.My eyes flutter, opening slightly.I close them again as I am blinded by the sudden brightness._Was it dawn already?_I open my eyes again.They focus on a familiar ceiling._No, it wasn't morning yet._The brightness came from a cylindrical tube of light above me.I was lying on a soft mattress._Kurama's bed._A damp towel was on my forehead.I thrust it aside and try to rise.A sharp pain at my side forces me back down._K'so.That youkai is going to pay._I rise again, eager to hunt down the cursed being who had challenged my strength and ridiculed my ability. 

I have barely stood up when the door opens.

"Hiei!"

It was Kurama.His appearance seemed ragged and a look of worry was on his features.On his hands were a basin and several bandages, which he quickly set aside on a small table near the bed.

"Don't get up yet!", he cried, rushing to my side.His hands swiftly laid me back on his mattress.

I blinked at the bright ceiling_.What was all the fuss about?_I propped myself up to a sitting position and watched the kitsune speculatively.He was soaking some bandages in the basin and wringing them.

"Your wounds are very serious Hiei," he said as he gently bandaged my left arm.

"Hn." I smirked. "So I noticed."

Kurama chose to ignore my sarcasm.He probably knows what kind of mood I'm in after losing a battle._And in a pathetic way at that._

He finished bandaging my arm and turned to soak another bandage.

"Perhaps you should stay here for a while," he said, with his back to me."Just until you've sufficiently recovered."

"What are you, my doctor?", I murmured to noone in particular.I knew I was acting like a jerk but I simply could not control my reactions.My wounded ego had the sudden urge to lash out at someone.Anyone.And since there was only one being present, other than myself, the kitsune was going to have to take the lashing.

"Hiei," he whispered, sounding exhausted.Then he stood up and turned to face me.He walked around the side of the bed until he was directly in front of me.Kneeling down, he placed his hand gently, almost tentatively on my thigh.

"You have to take a rest," he said firmly, looking me in the eye."You lost a lot of your energy.Going out there in your present state would be suicide. Do you understand?"

He sounded genuinely concerned.His face looked worn and his eyes seemed tired._He must have been tending my wounds the whole night.That is, if I was only unconscious for one night.Which reminds me, how long had I been sleeping?_

_ _

__Kurama probably took my silence as a yes for he got up and went to the door."I'm going to bring you some food, okay?", he said as he closed the door behind him.

A cold gust of wind blew through the open window and the thought of leaving crossed my mind.

I stood up and slowly strode to the window but somehow, something kept me from going.I reached up and closed it instead.I walked back to the bed and sat down. The thought of betraying Kurama's trust that I would stay bothered me. 

_But why?Why do I care?_

_ _

__The opening of the door stopped my train of thought.Kurama smiled as his eyes fell upon me.

Perhaps he was relieved that I had decided to stay.He pulled a chair towards the bed and sitting on it, he placed the tray of food he brought with him on his lap.

"Okay, now.Say AH!",he said as he scooped up some food and brought it to my mouth.

I looked at him as if he had gone mad.To take care of me was one thing, but feeding me was ridiculous."I can eat on my own, kitsune," I retorted.

He chuckled._What was so funny?_

"I know that Hiei," he grinned."But I'm your nurse for the time being and I'm just trying to do my job."

Perhaps he was trying to amuse me to uplift my mood.I shrugged and opened my mouth to receive the food he was offering.I chewed slowly, scrutinizing him.He was grinning like a fool as if feeding me was the most amusing thing in the world.

We were silent throughout the entire meal.When I finished my food, he got up and placed the tray on his desk.

Then he went to the window and opened it, allowing the cold night air to enter.The wind blew his scarlet tresses gently, almost magically around his face.He remained silent, staring out at the night sky.

I waited for him to speak, to move.Yet he remained quiet, motionless.Perhaps he was waiting for me to leave.

So I got up and strode to the window where he was still standing.

"Hiei..."

He turned to me suddenly.I stopped in my tracks and looked at him.

His eyes were fixed on me.

Glistening emeralds, filled with...

_Sadness?_

_ _

_Longing?_

_ _

I was confused.A few moments ago, this kitsune was smiling happily, grinning foolishly at me.And now, the youko seemed as if he was about to cry.

"Hiei, do you ever wonder why—why I always take care of you?", he asked."Don't you want to know why I'm always worried about you?"

_Huh?_He always does take care of me.But I never knew that he was always worried.

"We've known each other for so long, haven't we?And—and I've always wanted to be right by your side in everything that you do.When you use the Kokuryuhaa, I always fear that you might..."

I knitted my brows.Now, I really am confused.The kitsune was babbling nonsense.He must have felt my confusion because he stopped and looked down at the floor.

Then he looked at me again and took a deep breath.

"Hiei...what I'm trying to say is...that..."

"I..."

"I—I..."

"I love you..."

_I love you?_

_ _

_He loves me?_

_ _

"D—do you love me too, Hiei?"

I could feel the fear in his voice.I knew that he immediately regretted asking me the question.

He had good reason to regret it.

I took another step.

He looked up at me hopefully.

I tore my eyes from his gaze and moved towards the window, turning my back on him.

"Baka no kitsune."

"I don't feel the same."

"Domo arigato.Sayonara." 

Then I leapt gracefully out the window, embracing the cold night air.

Engulfed by the shadows, I disappear into the darkness.

**********

_And who am I to judge you_

_On what you say or do_

_I'm only just beginning_

To see the real you 

_ _

_ _

_Kurama_

_ _

_ _

_Baka no kitsune._

_ _

_I don't feel the same._

_ _

_Sayonara._

_ _

_Sayonara..._

_ _

_Sayonara..._

_ _

_ _

The words kept echoing in my mind.It had been quite some time after he left and I was still standing in front of my window, staring out at the darkness.My body had refused to move from where it is.It seemed as though I had been drained of all my strength.Or perhaps I had lost the will to act.Whatever the reason was, my mind couldn't seem to process it at the time being.My thoughts seemed hazy, clouded by a sharp, insistent throbbing in my chest.

_What was it?_

_ _

_Was it...pain?_

_ _

_Pain._

_ _

The acknowledgement of the emotion felt like a sudden blow to my being.The scenes of the previous moments once again flashed through my mind. A sudden rush of emotions washed over me like a fierce wave bringing me to my knees.

I clutched my chest.I never knew that it could hurt this bad.

_"Idon't feel the same."_

_ _

He didn't feel the same.

Hiei didn't...

Hiei didn't love me.

_Hiei doesn't love me._

_ _

The realization felt like a dagger—no, it felt like a thousand daggers stabbing my heart.Warm tears began to flow down my cheeks.I began to sob._It hurts so much._I wanted to let it all out.I wanted to cry until my tears ran out. 

_I want this pain to go away!_

_ _

But it didn't.I couldn't make it stop.It kept tearing at my heart, over and over and over...

I brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs.Sobs racked my body and I kept on crying.

_Iam so pathetic. _I thought bitterly.

_ _

_"Baka no kitsune."_He was right.I am stupid.I had been around for a thousand years and I hadn't learned anything.There I was, pouring out all my emotions, exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings to a cold, heartless, forbidden child.I had just humiliated myself in front of a cruel, insensitive koorime.

Imagine, me, an infamous Makai thief, a beautiful silver youko, rejected by an unwanted little fire demon?

The idea would have seemed preposterous to someone else.It was an insult, a mockery.

But I simply could not feel anger or hatred for the koorime.

Pathetic or not, that cold, heartless, cruel, insensitive fire demon... had stolen my heart.

And had broken it as well...

_It still hurts._

_But I still feel the same._

_ _

I wiped my tear-stained cheek.I was still sniffling but there were no more tears coming out._So it was_ _possible to run out of tears._I headed for my bed.I didn't know rejection could make a person so weary.It was as if I had fought a battle with an S-class youkai. And lost.Reaching my bed, I lie down and pull the covers up to my chin.His scent was still on my blanket. _And he is still in my heart as well._

_ _

I couldn't blame him.He couldn't help but be himself.He was unwanted, thrown away by people who should have accepted him...loved him._Like I do._He had to build those walls around himself as a fortress against the cruelty of the world.He had to become cold to protect himself from the cold, harsh realities of life.He had to become numb to keep from getting hurt.He had already been hurt.Badly.

Yes, he was cold, he was cruel, he was heartless._And arrogant as well._But...he was...Hiei.

_Hiei._

_ _

__He had still left a dull ache in my heart.Warm tears begin to flow once more, trickling down my cheeks.I turn to my side, wrapping the covers tighter around myself.I feel so empty.It's as if all my strength, all my will, all my hope, have all faded away into nothingness. It feels so cold.I feel so cold inside. My lids begin to feel heavy and I allow myself to give in to my weariness.

_"Sayonara."_His voice suddenly echoes and my eyes flutter open.

I am gripped with a dread feeling of fear.I rise and stride towards my window.He had said goodbye.I fear that I have lost not only my lover, but my best friend as well.

I gaze at the night sky as if searching for something.For his shadow, his figure. Anything.Although, I know that I will not find him.

_Hiei._

_ _

_Please..._

_ _

_Come back._

_ _

_Come back to me..._

_ _

__To be continued...


	2. Sometimes When We Touch: Chapter II

Like we all know

** **

Chapter II

**SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH****** And sometimes when we touch 

_The honesty's too much_

_And I have to close my eyes and hide_

_I wanna hold you 'til I die_

_'Til we both break down and cry_

_I wanna hold you 'til the fear in me subsides_

_ _

_ _

_Hiei_

_ _

_ _

_He loves me?_

_ _

_Kurama loves me?_

_ _

_Kurama..._

_ _

_Loves..._

_ _

_Me._

_ _

The words didn't seem to make sense._Did Kurama really say those words?_I gazed down at the still figure of the lake, a slight distance from the tree where I currently was, as if it could give me some answers.

_I love you._No one had ever spoken those words to me before.I had never expected anyone to do so as well.Even Kurama._Especially Kurama._Perhaps I was just imagining things.Perhaps Kurama said something absolutely different from what I heard.I was after all, in a weak, disoriented and exhausted state.My condition could have most possibly affected my sense of hearing.Or even my sense of comprehension._Yes, that would probably be it._I simply misinterpreted everything. 

Completely reassured, I lie down on a tree branch and close my eyes.All the exhaustion from my previous battle was once again imposing its effects on my body.I invited sleep for I was weary but an insistent voice within my consciousness refused to fade away.

_"Baka."_

_ _

_Baka?_

_ _

_Have you the audacity to call me an imbecile?_

_ _

_"Baka."_

_ _

_Shut up!_

_ _

_"Baka."_

_ _

_Silence!!!_

_ _

It stopped.But it had succeeded.

I opened my eyes and stared blankly at the shimmering waters.Yes, I was a fool.All of it was real.I had not misheard nor misinterpreted anything.The scenes had been imprinted clearly in my mind.And they refuse to go away.Kurama had indeed uttered those words. He had exposed his entire being to me, with the confidence that I would not betray his emotions.That I would return them._But I didn't, did I?_ No, I had rejected him. A cold, cruelrejection.

I averted my gaze to the heavens.I was confused and I did not wish to admit it. Even to my own self.Confusion was for weak, sentimental ningens. A koorime such as myself was not supposed to experience such disorientation of thought._Damn that kitsune.__He always manages to disrupt my thinking._Yet, I was certain that I would go mad if I persisted in blocking out my speculations.Ultimately, I yield in desperation.

_Why did I do it?_I finally contemplate on my actions.__

_ _

_Why did I reject him?_

I remember saying, _"Ido not feel the same."_

_ _

It was the truth, wasn't it?I admit that I had always shared a special bond with the kitsune.We were comrades in battle, both willingly placing each one's life on the line for the other in several, almost countless instances.And each one had as well entrusted his existence on the other's hands in numerous occasions.We both had great confidence in each other's strength and ability.And each of us also held a deep respect and gratitude for the other.

I will not deny that I consider Kurama as my best friend.Yes, in fact, he is my ally, my confidant.I believe that he is the only being who has succeeded to win my complete trust. He is the only one who has been able to overcome and tear down some of the barriers that I have built around my being.Yet, some of the walls are still standing.

I have not yet considered the possibility of becoming more than allies, more than friends.In fact, I am not even certain that it is a possibility.Kurama as my...my...lover?

_Kurama..._

_ _

_Kareshi..._

_ _

_Koibito..._

_ _

_Itooshi..._

_ _

I shake my head, as if to clear my thoughts. No, it didn't seem right.

Kurama was my friend.Nothing more.I had spoken the truth when I told him that I didn't feel the same.It was the right decision.I had been truthful in rejecting him. It would have been wrong to let him hope for something more.I have done the right thing.

_Did I?_

_ _

_ _

**********

Kurama 

_Don't worry yourself._

_ _

_Hiei's going to come back._

_ _

_I'm sure of it._

_ _

_He's going to come back._

_ _

_He has to come back._

_ _

_Or I'll..._

_ _

_I'll die if he doesn't._

_ _

__Ugh! I cannot believe that I could actually be this pathetic.Me, Shuuichi Minamino, the star student of Meiou High School, the subject of a hundred school girls' fantasies, adored by many, envied by others and possessing the alternate personality of Youko Kurama, a beautiful silver kitsune and Legendary Thief of the Makai could NOT possibly be this pathetic. 

_But I am aren't I?_

_ _

And what's worse, the reason behind all of it is a certain insensitive fire demon._Who also happens to be the most irresistible and sexiest youkai I've ever met._I couldn't help smiling a little.After all he's put me through, I still can't manage to ignore his best features._Kurama, you ARE a lost cause._

When I told him I loved him, somehow...I knew that I would regret saying those words.I admit that I was afraid.I was afraid that he would reject me.That he would leave me with nothing.Not even friendship.I let out a bitter chuckle. _That's exactly what he did._So if I knew what was going to happen, why did I go ahead with it?Was I really that stupid?

I rested my chin on my palm and sighed.No, I wasn't stupid.It was much worse than that.I was in love.My emotion gave me the false vision of hope that...that somehow, Hiei would return my feelings...that he would tell me he felt the same way...that he loved me.I was such a fool.I even had the audacity to think that I could get past the barriers he had built around himself.I thought that I had finally succeeded in breaking them down...thatI had melted his stone cold heart...that I was someone special to him...that I was more than an ally...more than a friend.I felt warm tears springing to my eyes once more.I brushed them away angrily. _I have GOT to learn to stop crying and NOW._I knitted my brows in determination._ If I don't... I'll never stop crying._

I turned away from the window and headed for my bed.I plopped down on it wearily and stared at the ceiling._I just had to tell him. _I just had to take the chance when he was standing there right in front of me.Somehow I couldn't keep it inside anymore.All my feelings, all my emotions were building up inside of me, overwhelming me.I felt like I was drowning in an ocean of my own affection for him.Wave after wave of emotion came crashing down on me, one after another.Fear.Anxiety.Sadness.Longing. That last emotion hit me harder than all the others.It threatened to submerge me in an abyss that I feared I would never get out of.It gripped me so intensely that it was even difficult to breathe.I just had to surface.And so...I blurt it out._"I love you."_And then my world came crashing down.

I turned sideways and brought the sheets up to my chin, pulling them tighter around me.I felt cold once again.Cold and empty.But I am not giving up. You can hurt me all you want Hiei, but my feelings won't change.You can go to whatever world you want to. You can hide for as long as you like. But I'll be waiting.

_Yes._

_ _

_I'll be waiting._

_ _

_And when you come home..._

_ _

_You'll find me._

_ _

_Even if you don't..._

_ _

_I'll still be here..._

_ _

To be continued...

_ _

_ _


	3. Sometimes When We Touch: Chapter III

Okay, we finally get to the fight scene

Chapter III

** ** **SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH** Romance and all the strategy 

_Leaves me battling with my pride_

_But through the insecurity_

_Some tenderness survives_

_ _

_ _

Hiei 

__

_ _

_ _

_K'so._

_ _

_Bastard._

_ _

__I tasted the bitter tinge of blood in my mouth.I spat it out. I've forgotten how fast this damn youkai was.And he seems even faster since I last fought with him.How long has it been?One year?Two?Either way, it doesn't matter at the moment.The raven-haired, laughing son of a bitch is now striding towards me.I take my stance, placing my hand on the hilt of my katana.I am not going to lose to this bastard for a second time.He stops and I ready myself for his attack.He vanishes from my sight and reappears behind me. I swing my sword out in a circular motion to cut his abdomen but he easily evades it.He jumps up and delivers a turning kick to the right side of my face.His heel connects with my jaw and I feel myself falling to the ground.However, I don't touch the dirt.He bombards me with energy blasts, sending me flying to a mountain in the distance.I crash into solid rock and I feel pain searing through my body. Before I could even contemplate on my injuries, he appears at my side in a flash.He pulls me by my hair from the mountain, throws me down and fires a ki-blast at my back, propelling me several hundred feet before hitting the ground.

I lie motionless. I could hear his laughter ringing through my ears.

"Oi, fire demon!"He called."Why'd ya get kicked out from your village anyway?From the way you fight, they could have easily mistaken you for a girl!" 

_Dammit._I could have killed him then and there.However, I didn't even have enough energy left to stand up.What was the use anyway?Why was I even fighting?I've got no reason left to fight.Except to satisfy my pride.But if I think about it, the truth is...that I've got nothing left to do.That means... that there's no more reason for me to keep on living.Was I still even breathing?I could no longer feel anything.Numbness was creeping its way into my limbs.I felt tired. Exhausted.Sleep was coming.I wanted to give in to it, to the darkness that was slowly blurring my vision.And I knew that if I closed my eyes, I would never open them again. The world began to fade away...the noises seemed hazy and distant...I felt my eyelids begin to flutter...

Maybe I could finally have the peace I've always searched for in my entire life. I knew that if I had accomplished everything I had set forth to accomplish, I could welcome death with open arms...

But...why do I feel empty?Why does it feel like something is missing?Like I've failed to accomplish something?I can't remember...I have to remember...My mind feels hazy...All my thoughts are a blur...But whatever it is...I can't go yet.

_I can't go yet._

_ _

_I refuse to go._

I opened my eyes.My senses were still hazy but the numbness wasn't there anymore.I felt my right hand.I was still holding my katana.Its tip was broken but it was sufficient.I willed myself to stand up.I winced. Pain was throbbing throughout my whole body. I could feel my ribs broken in several places.I could taste blood in my mouth.I looked up at the bastard.He had a smug grin on his face.I'm going to wipe that smile and the youkai wearing it off the face of this world.

"You want more, fire demon?"He jeered."You know what they say.Be careful what you wish for."His grin turned evil. "You just might get it!"

He was speeding down towards me.I stood still, clutching my broken sword.He was faster than me and cunning as well.He had easily evaded my attacks.I had to strike him not only when he least expects it, but also in a way he would never think of.

He was fast approaching.When he was only inches away from me, he disappeared once again.But I knew where he would attack.Within a split-second, he was behind me.I released my youki into my katana, setting it ablaze with black flames.I knew he expected me to turn like I did before, but, no.It would take too much time, giving him a chance to evade me once again.I knew that my next move was suicide.It would damage me more than it would harm him.I could die but he would still have a chance of surviving._What the heck. _

_ _

I thrust my burning katana into my abdomen.I never realized how much pain my flames could inflict but I continued pushing my katana.I felt my sword pass through my insides and burst out at the other side of my body.Then it went through another one.I heard the youkai utter a sharp cry of pain and surprise as my katana went through him.My sword was now lodged through me and my adversary.The pain was agonizing but it wasn't finished yet.I broke off my sword's handle and pushed the remaining blade into me whilst pulling it through the other side.My hands were scorched and bleeding.After freeing myself , I turned around to look at the bastard.He had fallen on his knees and myblack flames were engulfing him.He couldn't pull the blade out for it was still ablaze with dark fire.His once smug face was twisted in agony and disbelief.

I already felt drained of all my strength but it wasn't over yet. The bastard was still alive.I still had to deliver the final blow.The bandages on my right arm had already been burned and black smoke was coming out from the dragon tattooed on my arm. I concentrated all my energy on my final attack.This was the last I've got.If the son of the bitch didn't die, I'd swear he was immortal. I felt the power growing in my right arm.It was time...

JAOU-EN-SATSU-KOKU-RYU-HAAA!!!

I released my energy and the black dragon spiraled from my arm speeding towards my adversary.

REI-KAZE-KEN!!!

_What the hell?!_

_ _

A crimson wave countered my kokuryuha.It couldn't be possible.He couldn't possibly have power left to counter my attack. But he did.His energy was now battling against my own.Red against black.Scarletand ebony sparks flew around the two of us, setting our battlefield into flames.I could feel my youki going crazy.I knew that I was being pushed to the limit.I felt my energy decreasing rapidly.The dragon was beginning to go out of control.But I had to hold on.I fell to my knees, my left hand clutching my right arm.My arm was shaking terribly.In fact, my whole body was trembling.Too much power was being released with a speed too fast for me to handle. What's worse, the bastard seemed to be having less trouble keeping up than I was.I had sustained worse injuries than he had.But I knew that my previous attack had weakened him.There was still a chance of victory.The chance for survival however... I shook my head to clear the thought away.If this kept up, I would surely be defeated.There was only two ways to end all of this.Either I give up and get it over it...Or I give everything I've got left into another Kokuryuhaa to boost the one I had released earlier.Everything meant... including my life force...I let out a bitter chuckle.Either way, it was going to be suicide.But the first was definitely not one of my options. 

_If I'm going to hell..._

_ _

_I'm going to take that bastard along with me._

_ _

My body was still trembling as I slowly stood up.Looking up, I met the bastard's eyes.I was taken aback by what I saw in them.Amusement?The son of a bitch was actually enjoying this.

"I know what you're thinking fire demon."He called."Sacrifices won't do you any good.Even if I die, you die with me."His lip curved into smile."That means I still win."

The realization hit me like a wave.I would only have helped him finish me off.And I wasn't about to give him that satisfaction. But what else is there for me to do?How could I defeat this monster?I could feel my desperation building up within me._There is no other way!_I screamed mentally.Or is there?Perhaps I didn't have to die.Perhaps I didn't need to give my life force.But where else could I get energy?

"Give it up Jaganshi!"He jeered."I'll see you in hell."

A smile crossed my features.

"Not this time, you bastard."

My jagan glowed purple.

"You're going alone."

JAOU-EN-SATSU-KOKU-RYU-HAAA!!!

A purple wave of energy left my arm tinged with ebony markings. It coiled around the dragon I had released before and then bonded with it.The purple and black entity writhed uncontrollably in the sky and freed itself from my grasp.It took the form of a dragon similar to my Kokuryuhaa.But this time, it had scales tinged with purple.Its claws, horns and wings were tinted with the same shade and on its head, a jagan like my own glowed with intense power. It was the union of my own energy and the Jagan's unique power.I had substituted it in the place of my own life force.The bastard himself gave me the idea.

I fell to my knees once again and looked up at the black and purple sky.My dragon had coiled itself around my adversary's wave of energy.Black, purple and crimson sparks flew everywhere as the scarlet wave struggled with my dragon._Please. Please. Let it be enough._I prayed desperately.As if in answer, my dragon let out a powerful cry which seemed to echo throughout the entire region.Purple lightning flashed through the skies.Then my dragon engulfed the scarlet wave of energy, turning its power into its own.It stayed in flight for a few moments, then sped downwards setting everything in its path ablaze with black and purple flames.I turned towards the direction where it was headed just in time to witness the shock and fear in the bastard's face just before he was engulfed in flames.His cries of agony sounded like music to my ears._There's no way you're going to survive this one._I thought grimly.

He managed to utter one last cry.

"DAMN YOU FIRE DEMON!!!"

I smirked.

"Go to hell."

Then the flames wrapped around him, hiding him from my sight. And his wails slowly faded away.

Purple and black tendrils of smoke remained.A few flames still snaked along the ground.I looked around me.The land was a mass of destruction.The remaining trees in the distance were still in flames.The mountains were crumbling.The ground was scorched.Our battlefield had turned into a wasteland.Dark...barren...empty.Exactly like the way I feel now.My victory had satisfied my pride.But it had left me emptier than before.

I gave in to my exhaustion and fell forward towards the ground.I heard thunder rumble in the distance.Large drops of rain followed.I turned my head to savor the cool wetness.Each drop of rain brought calmness and comfort to my being.My pride had been satisfied, restored.What else was I longing for?I closed my eyes and contemplated on what had given me the determination to rise up after that fall from the mountain.I remember recalling something that I had failed to accomplish.What was it?What was so darn important that had made me refuse to die?I knitted my brows in concentration.And a dim memory slowly began to form in my consciousness.A night in the past.I had been badly injured like I was at the moment. My weariness was making it difficult to remember. It all seemed hazy but from the swirling clouds of memories, an image began to form. 

Emerald eyes.

Long, scarlet tresses.

_Kurama..._

A wave of guilt suddenly washed over me.I remember now. That night, Kurama had cared for me, treated my injuries and...and...he had confessed that he loved me.And I recall how I had responded to his affection.I had rejected him.I had hurt his feelings.I had hurt my ally, my best friend and I had refused to acknowledge this guilt from the night I left his bedroom, the night I left the Ningenkai.Two years has passed since that night and I had kept my guilt hidden, confined.I had set my mind on one solitary goal.To defeat the youkai who had injured me so badly and had crushed my pride immensely.Yes, I had been arrogant and selfish.But now, I know why I couldn't die in peace.I had to see him once more.Even just for a moment.Just to ask for his forgiveness.However, it seems that my wish won't be fulfilled.

I could feel my blood gushing out from the open wound I had inflicted on myself earlier.I knew that I did not have any youki left to heal myself.I felt cold.Sleep was inviting me.The images around me began to grow hazy and dim.The sound of the pouring rain began to grow faint and distant.

_Kurama..._

_ _

_Forgive me..._

To be continued...


	4. Sometimes When We Touch: Chapter IV

Sorry, if Kurama tends to think too much

** ** ** ** **SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH** I'm just another writer 

_Still trapped within my truth_

_A hesitant prize-fighter_

_Still trapped within my youth_

_ _

_ _

_Kurama_

_ _

_ _

_ _

_A soft whisper..._

_ _

_A gentle tug at my unconscious..._

_ _

_Hiei?_

_ _

I felt a flicker of dark youki.It was all too familiar to remain unrecognized._Hiei._I looked around at the vast expanse of land surrounding me.Hiei was here somewhere.I knew it.I could feel his presence though his youki was very weak.I furrowed my brows in concentration.Where was he?His youki seemed so faint and distant but I was certain that it was him. The howling wind and the pouring rain made it harder to locate him.A cold gust of wind blew against me and I felt myself shudder.What if something bad had happened to him?His youki was so weak.He could have been severely injured.Anxiously, I started towards the direction where I first recognized his being.

"Oi, Kurama!"Yusuke called.He was running up to me together with Kuwabara. "Find anything?"He asked.I turned towards him.He and Kuwabara were both slightly taken aback. 

"Is something wrong Kurama?"Yusuke inquired.

"Yeah, you look a little pale."Kuwabara added. "Are you—"

"Hiei."I murmured.

"What about the shrimp?"Kuwabara asked.

"Hiei.He's here."I replied.

"Huh?Are you sure?"Kuwabara insisted.

"He's right.I can feel Hiei's youki."Yusuke told him."He's still quite far from us."

"Can you pinpoint his exact location?"I asked him.Yusuke, being more powerful, would be able to find him better than I could.He nodded and became silent.After a few moments, he turned towards the north.

"Over there."He gestured with his finger."He's behind those mountains.We'd better hurry.His youki's beginning to grow fainter by the moment."

Kuwabara and I both nodded.The three of us sped towards the direction Yusuke indicated, using our energy topropel us faster.Yusuke, who was the fastest, was in front leading the way. Gusts of wind blew against my face and blinding sheets of rain fell against my body.I could hear the roaring thunder in my ears and bright flashes of lightning illuminated the sky above me.As we got nearer to the mountain range, I was able to detect Hiei's youki clearer than before.However, anxiety once again overcame my senses.His youki was gradually growing fainter. Suddenly, something made us all stop in our tracks.Yusuke turned around to face the both of us.

"You felt it too?"He asked solemnly.

I looked at Kuwabara.He nodded.Cold sweat trickled down my forehead.It couldn't be. Hiei's youki...his youki...it was gone.

"NOOOOOO!!!!"I cried out and sped towards the direction where I last felt his youki.

"Kurama!!!"I heard Yusuke yell after me.

I jumped up the steep heights of solid rock stretched out in front of me and found myself gazing down at a vastsubterranean valley with numerous rocky cliffs jutting out from the mountains surrounding the area.The air smelt of acrid smoke and dark, scorched trees stood where there must once have been lush vegetation.It was a wasteland.A sure sign that an ominous event had transpired in the vicinity.In normal circumstances, it would most likely have been a strong force of nature like a tornado or a forest fire.But I knew better.This piece of terrain had been a battlefield. A place ofcombat between struggling forces.Very powerful struggling forces.And I had the dread feeling that one of those forces was a bloodthirsty fire demon named Hiei.

My eyes swept over the terrain. Searching. Probing. Seeking out a lone figure amidst the blinding sheets of rain and the suffocating clouds of smoke._Hiei...Where are you?_

"Did you find him?" 

I was slightly surprised at the familiar voice that spoke beside me.So intent was I in my search and so intense was my anxiety that I had failed to recognize my comrades appear at my side.I shook my head, refusing to turn my eyes away from the terrain.I wanted to find him.Fast.I had the urge to just jump down from my rocky pedestal and dash across the valley.But I couldn't.One false move and we could be seriously diverted from the right course.The valley was vast and one wrong turn could cause a great delay in finding him.At the moment, I knew that even the slightest delay could be fatal. 

I turned to Yusuke."Yusuke, do something!"My voice was trembling slightly."Can't you find him any faster?!"

"Shhh!"It was Kuwabara who replied.I turned to face him."Yusuke's doing his best."He nodded toward our ally who had closed his eyes and was deep in concentration.I wasn't sure what he was doing at the moment but I was hoping it would help us get to Hiei faster.

"Besides, I wouldn't worry about the shrimp."Kuwabara continued with a slight smile."He's too damn stubborn to let down that easy." 

After a few moments, which seemed like an eternity to me, Yusuke opened his eyes. "Quick, he's on that side of the valley."He gestured towards a northeastern direction then sped towards it.Kuwabara and I followed suit. It still took us a minute or so before we spotted a lone figure, lying prone on the scorched ground."Hiei!"Panic surged through me.Yusuke reached his motionless form first and turned him over.Kuwabara and I both stopped a few feet away.

I stepped forward.Tentatively, I let my gaze hover on Hiei's body. His whole body was soaked from the rain but dirt still clung on certain areas. His three eyes were closed as if he was sleeping.There was a large purple bruise on his right cheek and dried blood clung to his cracked lips.His bare chest was filled with cuts and there was a burnt, ugly hole in his abdomen.Unable to withstand the sight of it, I tore my gaze away and focused on his other limbs instead.Both his hands were scorched and there were two large gashes on both his palms. The dragon was not on his right arm.That meant that he had used it previously in combat.He had fought. Hard. It seems as if he had given everything in this battle.But did everything include his--?

Fear gripped my heart. I knew that I was trembling.A question was forming itself on my lips yet I feared voicing it out loud.But I needed to know.I HAD to know.

Yusuke turned his head towards us.I searched his face.It was blank. His features betrayed no emotion.I couldn't read his expression. Finally, I took a deep breath and spoke. 

"Is he--?" 

"I'm sorry Kurama."He began."I—"

"NOOOOO!!!"I lunged towards Hiei. Confusion was written all over Yusuke's features as he scrambled out of my way. 

I grabbed both of Hiei's shoulders and shook him violently. "HIEI!WAKE UP!"I knew I sounded hysterical but I didn't care at the moment."DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!Don't you dare leave me!Don't—"My voice cracked and I was now racked with sobs.I brought Hiei's body against my own, placing his head on my shoulder and hugging him tightly.Tears were streaming down my face, blurring my vision.The terrain...the mountains...the trees...they all seemed to vanish into a hazy myriad of dark colors.I closed my eyes and breathed in shakily.Sobbing, I rocked to and fro, cradling his body. He felt so warm.Warm, like he had always been.He had always acted so cold and hostile towards everyone but deep inside, I always knew that there was this beautiful, radiant light within him.The warmth of which, I had felt only in very rare, choice occasions. But during those exceptional moments, Hiei had made me feel a warmth that nobody else in the three worlds had ever made me experience and no one else ever would.An overwhelming wave of sadness washed over me as I came to the realization that I would never again feel that warmth.Hiei was my ally...my comrade...my best friend...my love...my life.He was everything to me.Even the passage of years had not triumphed to lessen the intensity of my feelings for him. Feelings that were not returned and now...would never be returned...

"Kurama?"I was jolted back to reality by a familiar voice.I opened my eyes.Yusuke and Kuwabara were both looking at me with concerned faces.

"Kurama, daijobu?"Yusuke asked.His concerned expression was once again replaced with one of confusion.

"You don't have to worry that much.He'll be alright."He added.

"Man, that shrimp sure is a tough one isn't he?"Kuwabara chuckled, shaking his head.

Now, it was me who was confused. What were they talking about?How can Hiei be alright? How can everything ever be alright again?And how can he laugh when Hiei's—when Hiei's—wriggling against my shoulder?!

I held him at arm's length from me.He stared back at me with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.Shock, happiness, confusion and relief all flooded through me at the same time. 

"HIEI!YOU'RE AWAKE!" I cried.

"Hn."He replied."Who wouldn't be after all that racket you made."

Kuwabara and Yusuke both laughed.I joined in, tears still streaming down my face.Then I stopped and turned to face Yusuke.I narrowed my eyes accusingly."But you said that he was dead!"Yusuke held up his hands defensively. "I never said that Hiei was dead.I was going to say I'm sorry because I couldn't determine how bad his condition was.You cut me off before I could say that he was still breathing."

I felt myself blushing.Kuwabara cracked up."You should have seen the look on your face Kurama!!!"He slapped his knee."You were so pale, you practically looked—"Yusuke hit him on the head."Hey!Why'd you do that for?!"He yelled rubbing the sore spot.Yusuke shot him a look.He shut his mouth after that.

I turned to Hiei. He had fallen asleep once again.I must have certainly looked like an idiot but I would have to feel sorry for myself later.Right now, we had to take care of a certain fire demon first.

A few hours later...

I found myself gazing down yet again at the subterranean valley where the rest of the Reikai Tantei and I had found our comrade.At the moment, this valley was not the place I most definitely wanted to be.True, the storm was already on its way out of the vicinity and the thunder was no longer rumbling overhead.Neither were the bright flashes of lightning snaking their path across the darkened skies.The rain itself had lessened down to a patter and its cold drops were now trickling down the side of my face and clinging to my eyelashes. The wind still blew yet with not as much intensity as before and it swept my damp tresses backwards, away from my pale face.The terrain still seemed cold and desolate but not as much as it hadrecently.In fact, a few brilliant rays of sunlight were now streaming out from the darkened storm clouds hovering above me.The air itself had begun to smell crisp and fresh similar to the breeze after a spring shower.It promised a new beginning, a fresh start.But still...this was not where I wanted to be.I wanted to be some place else.More specifically, I wanted to be with someone else.

My thoughts drifted back to a darkened chamber within a certain S-class youkai's domain.Mukuro's palace to be exact.The Makai Lord—or Lady, for that matter, didn't seem too happy to see her heir in the condition we brought him in."Stubborn fool."She had remarked.I wasn't sure if she had been referring to Hiei's pride or if he had disobeyed a previous order, but I wasn't in the position to care at that time.All that mattered then was getting Hiei the care he needed in the fastest way possible.I had used some of my plants and even my own youki just to keep him breathing until we could get him to Mukuro's territory.I wasn't too happy with the arrangement but I didn't have any choice in the matter.True, Mukuro was more reasonable and trustworthy than Yomi was but I had always felt a slight tinge of antipathy towards the woman.Or was it jealousy?I wasn't certain but I just didn't like the fact that she too, had special feelings for the koorime and being her heir, Hiei had to spend much more time with her, here in the Makai. However, the fastest and surest way to ascertain Hiei's recovery was through one ofMukuro's regenerating tanks and I was not willing to risk otherwise. I hadn't wanted to leave the koorime, who was then floating in one of several regenerating tanks filled with a bright greenish liquid and had numerous tubes attached to his naked body.He seemed so fragile, so vulnerable.I had placed my palm against the cold, hard glass of the tank, wishing that I could touch him, hold him in my arms.It hurt to see him this way after such a long time... Just how long was it?One year?Two?Twoyears meant nothing to a youkai, but still...

"Oi, Kurama!"The familiar tone snapped me out of my reverie.

"Over here!"Kuwabara called."Yusuke found something!"

Unwillingly, I forced myself to set my thoughts to the task at hand.Koenma had summoned the four of us, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei and I for a mission.Normally, I would have jumped at the opportunity get out of my dull, ordinary day-to-day activities as Shuuichi Minamino and revel in the ardent heat and exhilaration of battle as I relive my nature as a Reikai Tantei and as Youko Kurama yet again.However, I wasn't too eager to see a certain fire demon at that moment, much more be on a mission with him.Though I admit that I have missed him terribly, seeing him would rekindle memories that I simply would not have been able to endure for a second time.Yet disappointment mingled with my relief when I found out that the Reikai Tantei would be short one member on this mission.Koenma had said that Hiei didn't seem to be available at the time being and the task was too urgent to remain unresolved for a moment longer.I had wanted to inquire more about our comrade but Koenma's explanation had seemed sufficient for both Yusuke and Kuwabara so I chose to remain silent as well. Though I was bothered by the koorime's absence, I half-heartedly decided to carry out the mission.Koenma had told us that a certain S-class youkai was causing trouble in the Makai.He did not pose a threat before and usually kept a low profile in the past.That was why Reikai chose not to bother with him.However, only recently, he had surfaced and for some unknown reason was now wreaking havoc in certain parts of the Makai.To prevent further damage, Koenma had sent the Reikai Tantei to suppress him.He had remarked that with Yusuke, who was now Upper S-class, we would not have much trouble.

With that, he had opened a portal, which he said would take us to where the youkai was last sighted.I had jumped in first, followed by Yusuke and Kuwabara.Upon reaching the Makai, I had felt Hiei's youki which eventually led us to find our comrade drenched and half-alive in a forlorn and desolate valley situated between the mountains.The same valley we were standing in at the moment. 

I turned to where I had heard Kuwabara call my attention.He was standing in a fairly large crater together with Yusuke.I strode over to crater's edge and jumped in."What did you find?"I asked Yusuke.He was examining something in his hand and looked up at me."Remember what Koenma told us about how we would be able to identify the youkai?"I stared at him blankly."He told us that the youkai had a metal patch sewn over one eye with the character for "blood" carved into it, remember?" Kuwabara added sarcastically.I saw Yusuke nudge him with an elbow."Uh...yeah."I nodded although I didn't know what he was talking about.I didn't really pay much attention to Koenma back there.Yusuke flipped the thing he had in his hand over to me and I reached up with mine to catch it.Opening my palm, I found myself staring at a blackened piece of thin metal with the character for "blood" carved on one side of it."The patch?"I asked out loud."Yup.You're right about that one."Yusuke answered."So then..."Kuwabara scratched his head."Where's the youkai?""Right here."Yusuke replied."NANII?!?!!"Kuwabara exclaimed."Where?! Where!? Where?!!"He yelled, his head swinging back and forth in all directions."Baka!"Yusuke hit him on the head."I'm not that sure but I have a theory."Yusuke cleared his throat and Kuwabara and I took that as a sign to let him talk.After all, Yusuke with a theory?This, I had to hear.

"We found Hiei in this valley remember?"Yusuke began."And judging from the condition we found him in, it seems that he had just been in a battle.A very HARD battle at that.Knowing Hiei, only an S-class youkai could have inflicted that much damage on him."I was beginning to catch up with what Yusuke had in mind, but I decided to let him tell it himself."This crater we're now standing in is just some distance away from where we found Hiei.I'm certain that the patch we found belongs to the youkai we're looking for.The same youkai Hiei fought with and incredibly, he had won over the bastard." 

"NANII?!"Kuwabara exclaimed once more."You're telling me that the shrimp beat an S-class youkai all by himself?!"

"You got that right."Yusuke replied with a smirk."The patch was blackened, scorched.Most probably by Hiei's Kokuryuhaa.And this black stuff we're standing in, are probably the bastard's ashes."

"Ugh!"Kuwabara yelled as he pulled one foot up then set it back down. "Nah, no way.You probably just misinterpreted everything.You can't possibly think of something as logical and complicated as that!"

"NANII?!"Now it was Yusuke who was yelling.The two started bickering just like when we were younger.I, on the other hand, turned my thoughts towards a certain fire demon, who was currently recovering.

_Hiei..._

_ _

_You're as irascible and stubborn as you've always been..._

_ _

_And as always..._

_ _

_You never cease to intrigue me..._

To be continued...


	5. Sometimes When We Touch: Chapter V

Hey, I'm on the second chorus already

**_ _**

SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH

_ _

_And sometimes when we touch_

_The honesty's too much_

_And I have to close my eyes and hide_

_I wanna hold you 'til I die_

_'Til we both break down and cry_

_I wanna hold you 'til the fear in me subsides_

_ _

_ _

_Kurama_

_ _

_ _

_I've always heard that curiosity killed the cat..._

_ _

_I wonder..._

_ _

_Would it apply to an anxious, love-struck kitsune as well?_

_ _

I found myself standing in front of Mukuro's palace gates yet again.However, this time, I didn't have an invitation._Kurama! _I reprimanded myself mentally._You just never learn do you?_I sighed._Oh well, what the heck._Since I already went through all that trouble of tying up her guards in my vines, I might as well get on with it.I pushed open the gates, bracing myself for any attacks her remaining guards could be planning on from inside her castle.I knew that an intrusion at the main gate wasn't very wise, especially for an experienced Makai thief such as myself.However, I did not want to risk getting lost in the S-class youkai's domain and the only route I know towards the regenerating chamber is the one the Reikai Tantei and I took when we came here earlier.Which of course, begins at the front gate.I am surprised as I find no low-class bloodthirsty demons waiting for me within.But of course, it could always be a trap.Slowly, I take a few steps, keeping my senses on the alert.The gates suddenly swing shut behind me with a loud thud.Instinctively, I whirl around towards the sound. I find no one.A gruff voice speaks behind me."Forgive me for alarming you."Startled, I turn around to find an armor-clad youkai in front of me."Lady Mukuro summons your presence. This way, please."I decide to follow the youkai. As much as I despised following orders, especially Mukuro's orders, I wasn't stupid as to defy an S-class youkai's demands in her own castle.

The youkai took me through another route, different from the one I took with the Reikai Tantei before.I followed him up to a tall, dark-colored door where he stepped aside and gestured with his hand for me to enter."This isn't Mukuro's throne room."I remarked."Mukuro-sama wished to spend a few moments with her heir."The youkai replied."This isn't the regenerating chamber either."I pointed out."Hiei-sama has been taken out of the regenerating tank a few moments ago.This is his chamber."So, it was good that I followed the youkai after all.I would have discovered an empty tank had I chosen to go by myself.The youkai made no move to leave so I went ahead andopened the door in front of me. 

Stepping in, I noticed that this room was more brightly lit than the others and even had a rather pleasant smell to it.The door closed quietly behind me and I noticed two figures at the far side of the chamber.Hiei was lying down on the bed in his black trousers.Mukuro was kneeling by the bedside, staring at him and had one hand placed on his bare chest.I felt my fists clenching._How dare she!_I cleared my throat.She looked up at me and rose.I didn't trust myself to say anything polite at that instant so I waited for her to speak."He's grown, ne?"She remarked.I looked over at the sleeping koorime and nodded.In fact, I had noticed from the moment we found Hiei that he had indeed grown taller.However, the rest of the Reikai Tantei and I had been too anxious to get Hiei treatment as well as being caught up in an urgent mission to actually talk about minor details such as that.Well, it had seemed minor at that time but after all the chaos, it was now indeed, quite amazing."The others?"Mukuro inquired."They've gone back to the Ningenkai."I replied.I recalled the relief and disappointment we all felt when Koenma verified the patch, that it indeed belonged to the youkai we were hunting down.Relieved that we could go back home yet disappointed that we were deprived of the chance to battle an S-class youkai.Yusuke and Kuwabara had been eager to return to the Ningenkai. After all, Keiko and Yukina were anticipating their return.Kaasan on the other hand, was on yet another overseas trip with my stepfather and my stepbrother Shuuichi was spending his summer with a group of friends in a boy's camp.So, aside from managing the company, which could be left in the hands of a trusted few for the moment, there was nothing and no one waiting for me back at the Ningenkai.Which brings me back to why I am now here inside a certain chamber of an Upper S-class youkai's domain in the Makai.

Mukuro then passed by me and stopped at the door. She took one final glance at the sleeping koorime then turned towards me."Tell him to come to dinner when he awakens.I wish to have your presence there as well."She thought for a moment as if weighing her words."It would honor me."And with that last remark, she turned and headed out the door.

I moved closer to where the fire demon lay sleeping.Upon reaching the bedside, I knelt down, placing my elbows on the soft mattress and resting my chin in my cupped hands. I let my gaze travel over the koorime's body.He looked magnificent as always.I studied his face.It seemed so serene, so peaceful like it had always seemed before, during the times when I would watch him as he lay sleeping on my futon.I recall the times when he would spend the night in my room when it was too cold to sleep outside.I had always been more than happy to welcome my best friend._I miss those days._Sighing, I let my gaze wander further down to his neck, his shoulders, his chest.I watched as his chest heaved up and down with his breathing.It was slow and even._Good.I'm glad that he's sleeping well._I allowed my gaze to hover longer over his torso.I took in his well-defined muscles... his pale skin... his flat stomach._No wonder Mukuro couldn't keep her hands off! _I felt the urge to run my hand against his torso as well.From his chest...down to his abdomen...to his—I shook my head to clear the thought away.I felt my cheeks getting flushed and the room felt warm all of a sudden.I heard a low mumble and turned towards the source of the sound.

Crimson eyes met my emerald ones.

"Kurama?"

_ _

_ _

**********

_Hiei_

_ _

_A vague presence..._

_ _

_A familiar warmth..._

_ _

_Kurama?_

_ _

I found myself staring into a familiar pair of emerald orbs.Jade stones set into a perfect porcelain figure; pale and flawless.One that is inevitably carved into my consciousness.A masterpiece of nature.Fiery, scarlet tresses framing an angelic face, flowing as if they were liquid fire._Kurama.You still take my breath away._I tore my eyes from the vision of perfection and sat up, resting my elbows on my knees.I rubbed my face against my palms and ran my hands through my hair.

"Daijobu, Hiei?"His soft alto pierced the silence surrounding us.I remained impassive.I wasn't prepared for this.I wasn't prepared to speak to him, to look him in the eye.I wasn't prepared to be near him.To be near the one I had been trying to forget for such a long time.

"Hiei?"I felt his hand touch my shoulder.I stiffened and cast a cold glare at the fox.I saw pain pierce his eyes and he looked away, quickly removing his hand in the process.I felt a slight ache in my chest.A familiar one._Guilt perhaps?_Of course it was.I had been living with this feeling for the past couple of years.Since that night in the Ningenkai, the night I had been desperately trying to erase from my memory.The sadness in his eyes...The longing buried in them...And the pain etched in his features after I...after I broke his heart.The same pain I'm seeing right now.

"Damn it!What is wrong with me?!"The words escaped my mouth of their own accord and I buried my face in my hands.

"Hiei?What's the matter?"I felt the kitsune climb onto the bed beside me and put his arms around my shoulders.I felt a stir of emotions rise inside me and I shrugged his arms off violently.I fixed him with a cold glare, ignoring the hurt and concern in his eyes.

Slowly, without a word, I rose, turning away from the fox and striding to the far end of my chamber.I rested my hands against the wall, straightening my arms and leaning my body forward.I hung my head.I could feel a myriad of thoughts and emotions racing through my senses.They were all muddled together in a chaotic heap of sensations, wreaking havoc in my consciousness. Reinforcing one, contradicting the other, yet failing to create any coherent sense.I closed my eyes, desperately trying to put my thoughts in order.I let my memory take me back to the valley in the mountains...In that ominous place of bloodshed, only one thing had kept me alive._One purpose, one person._I let out an exasperated sigh._I knew._I knew in my heart who that person was.It was him.It was...Kurama.

I opened my eyes and let my gaze travel around my chamber, finally resting them on a still figure on my bed.He sat with his back to me, his crimson locks falling against his shoulders.I watched his slender fingers move in graceful motions, as they fidgeted with my covers.He was still there._He was always there._I turned my head back to the wall, staring at it, as if expecting to find the answers written in front of me.Answers to questions that have been nagging my consciousness for so long.Long before that bloody act of carnage in the valley, long before that night in the Ningenkai._When had it started?_I felt my hand curl into a fist._When had I begun to lose control?Of course._I cracked a bitter smile._It was the day I met him._

I had everything I needed.My sword...my cloak...my jagan.I had everything planned out as well.Find the teargem...find my sister...and eliminate whatever or whoever stood in my path.There was one thing I hadn't planned on however.I hadn't planned on meeting the kitsune.I hadn't planned on meeting Kurama._And everything went crashing down from there._My defenses had begun to crack.I began to trust.I began to care.I began to...feel.

_No._I shook my head and felt my fists clench once more._This is unacceptable.I cannot let this happen.I refuse to let it happen.I've already experienced what it is to be hurt...to be unwanted...to be rejected...to be forsaken_.I felt my fingernails digging into my palms._To be treated like dirt, like a...like a thing.An object.Easily thrown away...easily discarded._Slowly, I unclenched my fists, pushing against the wall and straightening my body to stand up.I stared at my palms, my eyes fixed on the cuts my nails had embedded in them.I knew what I had to do.It had to stop._Now._ __

_ _

"Kurama."I surprised myself with the eerie calmness of my tone.It was the calm before the storm.And I couldfeel it coming.

"What is it, Hiei?"I could sense the uncertainty in his voice, as I felt him move from my bed.I knew he was striding towards me.His steps were slow, almost tentative.He stopped a few feet from where I was, anticipating my actions.A few moments of uneasy silence hung in the air before I finally moved a muscle.Steadily, in calm, deliberate motions, I turned to face the kitsune.I raised my chin and found myself eye to eye with him.I saw a flicker of amazement in his eyes.Probably upon recognizing the fact that I was now of the same height as he was.I saw the corners of his lips slowly curve up into a smile.But I knew that smile wasn't going to last very long.

"Hiei, you're—"

"Leave."

"What?"The smile had vanished; replaced by confusion on his features.

"Leave."I repeated.I saw him take a couple of deep breaths, perhaps in an effort to calm himself.Or to keep from crying.Either way, I didn't care at the moment.

"Okay."I sensed his voice tremble a little."I understand.I'll be outside if you need—"

"You don't understand."I saw fear flash through his eyes.I knew he was dreading what I was about to say.

"Kurama."I began, my voice dripping with coldness and apathy. "I never want to see you again."

I watched the pain pierce his eyes and distort his features."Demo..."His voice barely a whisper."Demo..."

"Naze, Hiei?"

I smirked."Do you really want to know the reason why?"I dared him.

"H-Hai, I want—no, I...I have t-to know why.."I've never seen the kitsune hurt this badly before.But perhaps I spoke too soon.The perfect porcelain figure in front of me was only a hair's breadth away from breaking down completely.And I knew that I had the power to crush his fragile form in a single final gesture.That awareness granted me the twisted pleasure of witnessing such a lovely creature writhing in my grasp.Call me cruel...evil if you wish, but I wanted—no.I needed, to see the kitsune break down and cry.

"It's simple Kurama."The smirk had faded from my lips, replaced by stone cold features."It's because..."

I fixed him with a cold glare, my crimson eyes piercing his jade ones...reveling in their anguish and trepidation.I spat the words out in clear, crisp syllables.

"I.Hate.You."

An eerie calmness hung heavily in the air.Moments...Seconds...Minutes...

In silence, I watched as a shimmering drop of liquid formed itself, from within one glistening emerald orb, andtraced its way down one pale,porcelain cheek.

_I sensed a sudden bitter twinge in my chest._

_ _

_What have I done?_

_ _

To be continued...


	6. Sometimes When We Touch: Chapter VI

I'm more than half-done with this fic now

**_ _**

SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH

_ _

_At times I'd like to break you_

_And drive you to your knees_

_ _

Kurama 

_ _

_ _

_Three simple words..._

_ _

_And my soul shatters like crystal._

_ _

_Hiei..._

_ _

_Why do you hurt me so?_

_ _

I felt a single tear involuntarily slide down my cheek.I made no motion to brush it away.My hands remained motionless at my sides and my feet were planted firmly on the floor.I stood there in silence, calm and unmoving.I could feel my heart clenching painfully in my chest; inflicting sharp, insistent stabs of pain unto my being with every rhythmic beat.A persistent throbbing ache from within...numbing my senses...luring me into a dark, churning abyss._A familiar one._One that I feared falling into, and one that I never wanted to fall into again.

_But I am falling...It's happening all over again._

_ _

The pain...the rejection...everything's the same as before.The same as what happened that night.The night Hiei said he didn't love me.The night he said goodbye.The night he went out my window...out my life.

_ _

I felt more tears springing to my eyes, blurring my vision.Miniature springs trickling down my cheeks.I could live with the fact that Hiei had rejected me.That he had left me.And it doesn't matter that he had shattered my heart in the process._ But does he really have to do it all over again?_The past repeats itself.Yes, I am aware of that. 

_But why does it have to be so soon?_

_ _

A sob escaped my throat, jolting me back to my senses.I realized that I was still staring into a pair of garnet eyes.Deep, crimson orbs...probably the richest shade of scarlet I had ever laid my sight upon.Dark, ruby gems that had always seemed to blaze with an unquenchable flame...passionate and mysterious.Illuminated by a radiance, the intensity of which, always managed to draw me to its warmth.A radiance that I...that I couldn't see at the moment.

Hiei stared back at me with unreadable eyes, revealing no emotion.Not even the faintest indication of his thoughts, his feelings, or that he could even feel anything at all._Do you really don't care Hiei?Do you really hate me so much?_I tried to search his face, tried to read his expression.

_Leave._He said.Should I?__Should I just walk away?__Walk away from his room? His castle?His world?His life?_Perhaps. _Perhaps I should. After all, he hates me.Hiei hates me.Hiei...hates...me.

I felt my brows knit in confusion._But why?_I don't understand.In spite of everything that has happened.In spite of the time, the distance, the rejection, the pain...He was still my best friend.And somehow...I knew.I knew in my heart.That I was still his friend as well.No time, no distance, no pain could weaken the bond we shared.Our friendship was one of the few things I strongly believed in.And I knew that Hiei did as well.

_I hate you._

_ _

__The words had indeed come from his lips.Cold, harsh and cruel.But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to believe them.I couldn't bring myself to turn away and leave like he told me to.Though I had no assurance that I was thinking clearly anymore or that my affection was merely making me refuse to accept the truth...still I knew deep inside that Hiei didn't mean those words._I know him too well._

_ _

__Slowly, I took a shaky breath and brushed my tears away with the back of my hand.I don't know if it was the intensity of my feelings for him that gave me the courage or if it was just stupidity and desperation.Nevertheless, I managed to stare into his eyes again and opened my mouth to speak.

"I don't believe you."I saw shock flash through his eyes.

"What?"He whispered through gritted teeth.I swallowed a lump in my throat.The courage I felt before wavered for a moment, and uncertainty raced through my senses.But no, there's no backing down now.I took a deep breath and repeated my words.

"I don't believe you."

This time, the shock vanished from his eyes replaced by something of similar intensity.An intensity I could not determine._Was it anger? Frustration?_His eyes narrowed and he stepped towards me, with his face only inches from mine.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

I felt my eyes widen and panic surged through me.

"No!I didn't say that Hiei!"I protested.

"But you said you didn't believe me, didn't you?"He continued.

"That's not what I meant!"_Please don't get angry.Please don't get angry._I prayed silently.Although I had the dread feeling that he already was.

"Then what _do_ you mean?"I could sense the challenge in his voice.Like he was daring me to speak up, to share my thoughts, my feelings...just so that he could trample them again.It was like he was looking for another chance to hurt me._But why?__Why do you want to hurt me Hiei?_

_ _

"Well?"He prompted.Indecision was racing through my mind._Should I risk being hurt again?Is it worth going through more torture for the sake of trying to tear down his barriers?Is it worth it?Is he worth it?_I searched his eyes and my heart told me the answer._Yes, of course he is._He is worth everything to me.Hiei is worth...everything.

I steeled myself and fought to face the intensity of his gaze.I could feel my heart pounding furiously in my chest.I knew that this could very well be my last chance.A final opportunity to tear down his impregnable fortress and break down his defenses.I also knew that such a risk could only have two possible outcomes.I could either succeed in overcoming his barriers...and finally bask in the radiance hidden deep within them—or I could fail.And this time, failure meant that I would lose him.That I would lose Hiei.Forever.

Fear gripped my senses._Forever?_Could I live without him for the rest of my life?Could I endure losing Hiei?We had only been apart for a couple of years and I already miss him terribly.What would I do without him for an entire lifetime?However...I already _am_ losing him.But if I took this chance then perhaps, even if I failed, I might be able to live with the reassurance that I did my best.That I did everything I could not to lose him.Perhaps I could survive with that._Yes, perhaps I could._

"Hiei..."I began, speaking as calmly as I could."I know you.I know you more than you think I do.And I know that, this isn't you.This is not the Hiei that I know.For the Hiei that I know is probably the most wonderful person I have met and would ever have the chance of meeting.An honorable warrior...a courageous ally...a loyal comrade...a warm, affectionate friend._My _best friend.The person I trust most and the one I care about.The person I'd fight for...and the one I'd gladly die for as well.The person I've given my heart to...the one that I—that I fell in love with."

I peered into his eyes, trying to reach him."That's you Hiei.Please.Stop pushing me away.Stop shutting me out."I pleaded."Please Hiei.Let me in."

_"Let me in..."_

_ _

He looked away.There was a momentary silence before he took slow, deliberate steps around me until he was at my back.Slowly, I turned around to face him.I saw uncertainty cross his features, a slight crack in his ice-cold facade.I felt a glimmer of hope flicker inside me._Is it possible?Could I have finally succeeded in tearing down his barriers?Could I have—_

"Maybe you never knew me at all."My heart stopped and the spark of hope vanished in an instant."No one has ever broken through my walls kitsune.My own twin sister couldn't accomplish that.What gives you the audacity to think I'd turn my whole life around just for you?" 

He took a step forward."You think you're so special?You think giving that little speech of yours would make me fall at your feet?I may not be as smart or experienced as you are, but I am not an imbecile Kurama.You cannot make a fool out of me with your lies!"

Frustration was building up inside me."That's not true Hiei! I would _never _lie to you!"I could feel hot tears behind my eyes."I really do love you Hiei! Can't you see that?!I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you!I wouldn't go through all this torture if you meant nothing to me!"

"And you expect me to believe that?!"He scoffed."How could someone like you ever be capable of love?Huh, Kurama?Have you forgotten what you are?"

I felt despair stir in my consciousness._Please don't do this._

_ _

"Let me remind you kitsune."His eyes turned cold once again."You're a lying, cheating bastard.An arrogant, self-centered thief who'd willingly sacrifice his comrades and shatter other people's lives for his own selfish ambitions."

_That's not true, Hiei.You know that isn't true._

_ _

"Someone who doesn't care who he steps on just to get what he wants."

_Please Hiei, stop it.Please stop._

_ _

"Someone who has slept with so many people he can't even remember them all!"

I covered my ears with my hands._Stop it!Stop it!_

_ _

"And now he tells me, he loves me."He let out a cruel chuckle."What's the matter Kurama, can't find someone to fuck?!"

"STOP IT!!!"My hand flung out and before I knew what had happened, my palm connected with his cheek, throwing his face sideways.The sound reverberated throughout the room for several moments before it was replaced by a deafening silence.

_I slapped him._

_ _

Shakily, I took a step backward.And another.I knew very well what was to be outcome of my action.However, I felt that I no longer had the will to fight.I don't think that I even had the will to run for that matter._Or even the will to live._Thus, I stood.Waiting for his actions.

After what seemed like an eternity, he turned his head towards me.Fiery garnet orbs piercing mine.His eyes narrowed and he took a step forward, closing the distance between us.I braced myself to receive the blow I knew was coming.

I closed my eyes.And...

Soft lips brushed lightly against my own and I felt strong arms envelope me, pressing me against a warm, muscular body.Hungry lips drank greedily of mine...willing me to succumb to a fiery embrace...setting my senses ablaze.

_He's kissing me?!_

_ _

_Oh my God, he's kissing me!_

_ _

To be continued...


	7. Just A Short Message

Konnichiwa minna-san! ^__^ waves  
  
I'm writing this note in reply to Angel who asked me if I'm going to finish my fic or not. I couldn't tell you directly coz you didn't really leave an addy or anything. sweatdrop Anyway, the answer is yes, I WILL be finishing it. nod, nod I have no intention of abandoning the fic or anything because I love it too much to leave it unfinished. Real life just keeps getting in the way of my ficwriting so I haven't been able to post the next chapters yet. sweatdrop That doesn't mean that I'm not working on them though. Chapter seven is already in progress; I've written about a third of it. I could rush it of course, but I really don't wanna do that. And I wanna say that I'm really, really sorry for not being able to post the next chapters for such a long time. I also wanna say thanks to all the people who wrote me reviews and those who are still waiting for the next parts. It really means a lot. ^__^  
  
Ja minna!  
  
Yoake-chan ^__^ 


	8. Chapter VII (Part I)

Yoake: WAAAAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! bounce, bounce I finally finished half of chap seven!!!!!! 

Kurama: snort Yeah, and it only took you nearly A YEAR. Imagine that?

Yoake: pout I was busy okay?! And it's not like YOU did any musing.

Kurama: indignant I did too! I gave you LOTS of ideas for lemon scenes! But did you listen? No~!

Yoake: Whatever. Anyway minna, I only managed to finish half of chapter seven as of now.  I'll be adding the next part right after my summer classes. It'll probably end in a few weeks. My summer classes that is. Not the fic. sweatdrop  So, anyway, YuYu Hakusho STILL isn't mine and the song doesn't belong to me either. So blame the songwriter for writing so many stanzas.  And oh yeah! I wanna thank everyone who wrote me reviews so here goes:

Thanks to: First and foremost, P-chan! huggles (Hey, when is 'When It's Over' gonna be over?), Youko Kitsune, Gami-chan, Danyella Skyler Silverfire, Ally Kat, Jay Kamiya, chescaOtaku, yuki-kitsune no tsuki, Shayneko, Burutenshi, the anonymous person with the kecheeky@yahoo.com addy ^__^, the person called, 'me' ^__^, Green Eyes, raven (How are ya? ^__^ Haven't talked in a while!), the 'you-don't-need-to-know' person (No, I'm not trying to drive anyone insane. sweatdrop), Angel, youko sakura, Yumehime Yana Hossuru, Mikasumi, Lordbob, Cookie (Miss ya! huggles), terry (I'm trying not to let Hiei hurt him anymore. ^__~), Sheiakurei (Imouto-chan! huggles Be good and ingat ka palagi! ^__~), Kanon*Altrui (I'll keep it going, I promise.), Shadow Queen (I want me to finish too! = P ), V-Amy and Dreamer (Don't worry, I understand perfectly. Maraming salamat! ^__^ Can I see some of your work? Onegai?)

I also wanna say hi to Shinkou-chan (Thanks for all the GAH's, WAH's and GEEAH's. ^__^ huggles), Fallen Angel (Oneechan! huggles Don't forget the piccie you promised!), Joanna (Thanks so much for all the help! huggles  A lot of other people told me to stick with the first draft though. sweatdrop), Lady Violet (Write more GW!), Nykee (Wonder when we'll ever finish any of our rp's? = P), Alec-neechan (HELLO! waves Musta na? Salamat nga pala sa iyong pag-entertain sa aking mga kakulitan. ^__^) and Rei-neechan (Ate! waves Ano nga palang title nung bago mong fic? Thanks din for sitting thru my barrage of complaints and questions! ^__^). 

Kurama: You done?

Yoake: Yeppers.

Kurama: Finally. 

Yoake: ignores him And one more thing minna. Please make me happy and write me reviews! O-ne-gai? ^__^

Kurama: Yeah, maybe it won't take her another year to write the next part this time.

SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH At times I'd like to break through 

_And hold you endlessly_

Hiei 

_            What the hell am I doing?!_

_            What the—_

_Damn._

_            This feels good._

I felt my arms instinctively close around the warm, delicate creature within my embrace.  The breathtaking illusion that has haunted my consciousness for so long.  The unbidden entity that has constantly invaded my dreams…my nightmares…my fantasies.  The ephemeral vision that has incessantly escaped my eager grasp.  A creature that I have unconsciously sought after…One that I have hungered for…The one that I finally have in my arms…_Kurama_. 

            Impulsively, I ran my hand up against his spine…feeling the smooth, sensuous contours of his vertebrae…to the back of his neck.  Applying pressure on his nape, I deepened my kiss, drowning myself in the intoxicating delights offered by his sultry lips.  I felt my hand knot in his soft tresses as my other arm tightened around his slender waist, pulling him closer against myself.  His warm, lithe body was pressed firmly against mine and I was certain that he could almost feel my heart pounding furiously in my chest.

            An unfamiliar sensation overcame my being.  I felt my body heat up in a manner I've never experienced before.  It wasn't the fiery exhilaration of battle…nor was it the burning rage of hatred.  Two sensations I was quite familiar with.  No…this intensity was different.  Different in a strange, yet surprisingly powerful manner.  Powerful to the point that it threatens me with its ability to overwhelm my senses with its enthralling spell…yet compelling enough to lure me deeper into its enchantment and intensify my desire to drink of its irresistible pleasures.

            _Desire?_

_            Is this what you call this frenzy?_

_            Is this intense craving within my senses called…desire?_

I have never wanted a lot of things in my life.  And I have never truly craved for anything—or anyone for that matter.  I have lived my entire existence with the stubborn resolve and aloofness that I have no need for anything but survival.  That I exist for no one but myself.  That I don't give a damn about the world…just as the world doesn't give a damn about me.

            But at this very moment, everything I have ever been certain of, every clear, distinct detail has suddenly become vague and ambiguous.  My normally sharp, placid reasoning is now a swirling, amorphous mass of hazy thoughts, emotions and stimuli.  Yet out of the churning myriad of anxieties, doubts, queries and conflicting entities, a single sensation materializes.  In the midst of this chaos, a single thought echoes through my being.  _I want more…I crave for more…_

            _Kurama…_

_            I need you…_

            As if reading my thoughts, the beautiful creature within my grasp stirs in my embrace.  The kitsune had lain motionless in my arms from the moment I claimed him.  Whether it was shock or apprehension that had kept him frozen, I do not know. And at this instance, neither do I care.  For at the time being, my mind doesn't seem to have the ability to perceive anything.  It is as if a scorching hand has taken a firm grip over my sanity and has torn out every single trace of reason in my consciousness, leaving a creature driven only by its instincts, fueled by a gradually aching frenzy within the depths of its being.  A frenzy that only seems to grow stronger by the moment.

            I felt my muscles grow taut as the fox responded to my kiss.  My body stiffened momentarily as his touch grazed my chest, yet all the tension was lost once again under his soothing caress.  I could feel his soft, gentle hands running against my torso leaving fiery trails upon my bare skin as they wandered.  His lips moved eagerly against my own as his palms finally came to rest upon my cheeks, stroking his thumbs against them and bringing my face ever closer to his.  Slowly, subtly, the kitsune began to take control just as I felt myself begin to lose it.

            I cannot deny that everything the fox was doing felt good.  _Really good._  As a matter of fact, it felt amazing.  But in spite of the wonderful, incredible sensations the kitsune was evoking within my senses, another irksome perception nags at my consciousness.  I felt a slight twinge of apprehension stir within my sanity and the frenzy I had perceived earlier once again imposed itself.  I could feel it burn inside me…feel it rage like a fiery tornado…feel it blaze like an unearthly flame…feel it overwhelm me…smother me.  And within the furnace, a ghastly coldness grips my senses.  

            _It was too much…_

_            It had to stop…_

            _It had to—_

"Stop."

            I blurted out as I withdrew, panting.  

I held the startled kitsune at arm's length in front of me as I focused onto confused, hazy—yet stunningly gorgeous emerald eyes.  The fox's cheeks were flushed, adding a dash of color to his pale features.  His full lips appeared swollen and moist from our previous revelry, like sun-kissed petals dampened by the morning dew.  The raven lashes framing his jade-colored orbs fluttered in a show of elegant disorientation.  And fine crimson brows furrowed delicately from beneath scarlet tresses flowing around a porcelain mask.

            _Gods, why does he have to be so damn beautiful?_

Like a warm breath, the gentle brush of soft fingertips roused me from my enchantment.  I found myself caught in a delightful battle with my senses as I struggled to escape from my haunting trance.  Blinking my eyes, I managed to regain my focus and realize that the fox was asking me a question.

            It took me a moment to register his soft alto blending in with the muffled sounds of our mutually rapid breathing and piercing the stillness surrounding us.  Half against my will, I allowed his hushed, breathy whisper to take me back to a night I had long been trying to forget.  A night I had long been trying to convince myself was a dream. A mere fabrication of my exhaustion and emotional turmoil.  _Only it wasn't.  _For my memory refuses to forget the low, velvety tones that spoke of such wonderful sentiments I've never experienced before.  It refuses to forget the timid declaration of a promise I have only dreamed of.  And it refuses to forget the hesitant, almost inaudible murmur of a query that would indefinitely remain engraved in my consciousness…

            _Do you love me too, Hiei?    _

            _Kurama…If only I knew._

And now, the kitsune was once again demanding an answer.  The same soft, breathy tone was once again asking me a query.  Only this time, it was different.  For the fox was asking me…

            "Hiei…"

"Doushite?"

            A single word, filled with so much significance and at the same time, promising a great surge of consequences.  A single word denoting a silent yet urgent plea to know the reasons behind so many events, so many actions, so many emotions.   A demand for an explanation.  An explanation for the rejection…for the departure…_for the pain.  _Asking me why I hurt him…Why I ran away…Why I refuse to let him in…

Why I refuse to love him… 

_Why?_

I find myself throwing the question back at me.  I find myself asking the same things he was demanding.  Searching within my being for the reasons behind my actions, behind my coldness…my indifference…_my cruelty.  _And realizing with an unexpected tinge of surprise and dismay that I didn't know the answer.  Or that there even was one. 

I furrowed my brows.  _But that couldn't be._  I couldn't possibly have put the kitsune through everything for the mere sake of it.  I couldn't possibly have rejected him, left him and hurt him just because I took pleasure in it.  _For I didn't._  I may seem cold and uncaring to all the three worlds and the beings that live upon them, but one thing was for certain.  Kurama was right.  I would always be his friend.  And he would always be mine.  And it is for that single truth that I could never—I would never truly _want_ to hurt him.

So why then, did I do it?  What could have possibly made me hurt the only being who has ever cared for me unconditionally?  

_Why? _

_Damn it, why?!_    

To be continued…

Kurama: You're doing it on purpose aren't you?!

Yoake: Doing what?

Kurama: Leaving us hanging!

Yoake: I do NOT! It just turns out that way! And besides, it's not as bad as the part I left it at last time. crosses arms

Kurama: I hate you.

Yoake: smirks The feeling's mutual.


	9. Chapter VII Part II

The earth quakes.  The ground splits open.  Clouds of smoke shoot up from the crevice.  A dark figure rises up from the gaping hole…

Yoake:  I LIVE!!!!!! BWAHAHAHA--promptly gets bombarded with furniture, sharp objects and whoa—is that a bomb?!

Kurama:  pokes Yoake's prone figure with a stick  She's out.  shrugs  Anyway, konnichiwa minna!  As you can see, after making us wait for six whole months, cough the embodiment of laziness cough Yoake-chan has finally deemed it appropriate to work on the second half of chapter seven. And um, she wanted to thank the people who wrote her reviews but she's glances at still unconscious ficwriter kind of unable to right now so I'll just do it for her I guess.

Thanks to: Brady, Chambers, April Aries, Waku-chan, Angel, Shadow Queen, Punk Zell Dincht (Yoake's wondering if she can get more of When It's Over now?), Sheiakurei (Yoake sends you a hug. And she says no, she wasn't doing on it purpose.  Not that I believe her though.), Yuki Kitsune no Tsuki (Yoake says thanks for the chocolate. And is wondering if she can have more. Pagpasensyahan mo na, matakaw e.), Foxtails, the anonymous person (Yoake says: KABAYAN!), Sailor Chibi Star Fighter, Harlequin, Lady Violet (Yoake's waiting for more of your GW ficcies.), Kelly, blueleopard87, Sano (Yoake's wondering if you're the same Sano who wrote Realization. Are you?), aznstarangl88 (Yoake once again says, no, she's not doing it on purpose.  I still don't believe her though. And obviously, yes, she's still breathing.) and Tifa (Her summer classes were over five months ago.  She's blaming real life for the delay.).

Oh and Yoake also wants to thank her Neechans, Rei for the really long phone conversations and Alec for offering to make her a site.  

Finally, as Yoake always says: please make her happy and send your comments minna. Her e-mail's yoakehajime@yahoo.com now by the way.  glances at STILL unconscious ficwriter  Damn, it's scary when she's quiet.  sigh I guess, I'll be doing the honors as well. On with the fic!

            Finally unable to withstand his gaze, I tore my eyes away from the kitsune's, not wishing him to witness the emotions I was certain were flickering through my own.  It was an action I had grown accustomed to, one that I often employed when the circumstances tended to bear down on me.  In other words…_it was a retreat whenever I became too much of a coward.  _

I've always regarded emotions as a weakness and yet I've never grown quite strong enough to be above them, to be free of them.  So I hide…I build walls…I put up barriers.  Still, there are instances when my eyes betray me, when they mirror the turmoil tearing me up from inside.  When they remind me that I'm a fraud…that I'm a coward…_that I'm weak._  

_And I curse myself for being weak.  _

Yet no matter how weak I was, I simply couldn't allow another soul to know.  I couldn't allow _him_ to know.  So I prepare to lie again, I prepare to push him away again, I prepare to—to hurt him.  Hurt him again.  

            _No._  

_No, goddammit, no!_  

The realization was a harsh slap to the face.  I shakily turned my head to face him once more, my eyes probably reflecting my shock for I saw his crimson brows furrow in concern and confusion.  

_I knew!_  _I knew the fucking reason why!_  

I knew why I hurt him.  Why I would always push him away.  Why I refuse to let him in.  

It was because he was getting dangerously close to breaking my walls, to breaking _me_.  It was because he was getting dangerously close to finding me, to _knowing_ me.  It was because…_because he made me feel._  

            And I couldn't feel…I shouldn't feel…I _must not_ feel.

            _I'm scared to feel.  _

            I'm scared because…because to feel means to get hurt.  And I don't want to get hurt again.  I don't…I don't want to _hurt._  Anymore…

            So I hurt him instead.  _I hurt him because I'm scared._

            "I'm scared."  

            I watched the fox's eyes widen in astonishment and it was then that I realized that I had spoken my thoughts aloud.

            "Hiei…"  He started, as he moved to lift his hand to my face.

            "Don't!"  It sounded harsher than I had intended and he faltered.  I opened my mouth to speak once more when I felt cold sweat break over my skin and the words abruptly died in my throat.  I had been about to do it again.  I had been about to hurt him…refuse him…reject him.  Reject him all over again.

            _Just because I was a hypocrite._  _Because I was a selfish bastard._

            I felt my fists clenching and small, nearly imperceptible tremors shook my being.  My breathing grew labored, audible within the small confines of the four walls surrounding us.

            It was because…because…

            "I am a goddamn fucking coward!"  I choked out.

            And with the words came the soft clink of a sphere hitting the marble floor.

            It was a teargem.

            It was _my_ teargem.   

            I shakily raised a hand to my cheek and realized with no small amount of surprise that it was wet.  Could it be that I was…I was…

            "You're crying."  Came the fox's stunned whisper.  And I dared to look the kitsune in the eye if only to witness his shock at my appalling weakness, when instead I found none.  All I found was concern, worry and…and was that pain?  But why?  Am I hurting you still kitsune?  Am I still causing you pain?

            I moved my hand from my cheek, reaching out to shakily press it upon his face.  "Kurama…"  I whispered, my voice barely an audible murmur even in the resounding stillness of the room.  

            "Kurama, g-gomen."

            _"Gomen nasai."  _

I knew the words weren't enough.  They were far from being an acceptable offering for all the pain I've caused, for all the words I've spoken, for all my harshness, for all my cruelty…for…for _everything_.

            But they were all I could offer at the moment.  They were the best I had—they were _all_ I had.  So I said them, with all the courage and truthfulness I could muster, my heart racing rapidly along with my breathing.

            _Then I saw him smile._

It was quite sad but it was a smile nonetheless.  He raised an unsteady finger to my lips, quieting me.  "Shh."  He whispered, whilst wiping the wet tracks on my cheeks away with his thumb.

            "It's okay."

            I was dumbfounded.  Several moments passed before I found my voice again.  

"It's…okay?"  I asked, trying my best to hold his gaze.  "Just like that kitsune?"  He nodded, the sad smile never leaving his features.  I searched the fox's eyes for an explanation, wishing to find something in them that would help me make sense of what was happening.  I just couldn't bring myself to understand, couldn't bring myself to accept that he had forgiven me in a mere instant.

            "Don't you hate me even a little Kurama?"  I insisted.  "Don't you feel even an ounce of anger towards me?"  

There was no answer.  Not a single sound came from the kitsune's lips.  He merely continued to stare back at me, his gaze strong and unwavering.  

"Don't."  I choked out.  

"Don't do this to me fox."  I pleaded.  

"Don't act as if I didn't make you suffer.  As if breaking your heart and trampling on it was of no consequence."

There was only silence.

            I couldn't take any more.  I found my hands gripping his shoulders, my control and sanity swiftly slipping away.  "Damn it, Kurama!"  I cried out.  "Hate me!  Hurt me back!"  I found my grip tightening as I shook him, warm tracks beginning to flow down my cheeks again.     

"Make me suffer! Make me bleed!"  I sobbed out.  "Like I…like did to you…"

_Just…just don't make me feel guiltier than I already am._

"Please…" 

            I stared helplessly into his eyes but no.  No blows were coming, no spiteful words, no angry glares.  I felt my grip loosen and my arms fell limply to my sides as I released his shoulders.  All I could do was to repeat the fox's words a few moments ago.

            "Kurama…"

            "Doushite?"

            His answer was swift and certain, so unlike mine.  

            "Because I love you."

            Silence reigned for a few moments before I asked once more. 

            "Doushite?"

            And he smiled at me, this time sweeter than the last.

            "When you love someone, you don't know the reason why Hiei.  You just do."

            At that, I knew I was lost.

            "Kurama, I…"

            "I don't understand."

            Once again, he raised a finger to my lips, silencing me.

            "Hush, it doesn't matter."  And I felt a soft caress on my cheek.

            "All that matters is you."

            The smile vanished and something I couldn't quite grasp flashed through his eyes.

            "I missed you, Hiei."

            "I missed you so much."

            His jaded gaze bore through me and I couldn't bring myself to reply.  It was his voice which once again pierced the silence.

            "Will you—will you do something for me?"  He whispered, emerald orbs beseeching my garnet ones.

            _Kurama…_

_How could I possibly refuse?_

"Hn."

A smile broke through his features, brightening the pale porcelain mask.

_"Hold me?"_

_So I did._

_To be continued…_

Kurama: And there you have it folks!

Yoake: twitches  groggily raises her head  Whu—what happened?

Kurama: Oh.  You're awake.

Yoake: I felt like I got hit by a brick.

Kurama: It was a marble statue dear.

Yoake: blinks  Oh.  Anyway, um, sorry for making everyone wait so long.  I really wasn't doing it on purpose.  Real life can be such a hassle at times. I'll be posting the side story next by the way.  It's going to connect chapters seven and eight.  I just need to finalize some stuff and then type it up.  Hopefully it will be posted in a few days. grin

Kurama: Don't get your hopes up people.

Yoake: HEY!!!


End file.
